And Shes Falling With All The Brave Ones

Its so fucking early right now and I can’t go back to sleep aside from the shitty dreams all the time, its because dear old mother had to wake me up…no wait it was my sister and her fucking crying…god damn it I swear one day I will sleep forever and then they will be happy. Sick of the heat, aditudes, peoples faces, and this fucking village. I want to go home I want to go back to Louisville so bad and no one knows how I feel about this hell hole called Pennsylvania….I been here a year and I been sick of it since I got off the bus from Pittsfield, Sure I may be with my mom and sister again BUT I AM ALSO WITH HER FUCKING TWO FACE ABUSING HUSBAND! (If you haven’t found out already I am so not fond of this..this man mom married after four years of divorce from my dad)

Okay so I admit my real dad did abuse me and my mom multiple times, mentally(no fucking wonder I have problems)  Physically, and emotionally(Just like my Chris did) but for gods sake at lest his hand didn’t wander down my panties like someone I know!(ehm read up for the clue)

Why am I saying this now? because back when I was in my shelter I had to deny  he did anything…”because I am tearing up the family” said my oh so smart 5 year old sister at the time(because mother dear made her say it!) I am cold right now and numb like always I am through of ranting I smell a hot bath brewing and maybe then I can go back to sleep…Ha fat chance I got to help clean this little crack in the wall house, wish me good luck…I am going to need it more than anything

♥Me

Shitty shitty shitty day today.

The clouds keep drooping and one of these days the rain is going to come and I will welcome it. I am sick of getting like this all the time, no joys today other than my favorite book ever came today (yay?)

Its just I am sick to death of being this way. Depressed and lack of everything, Right now I don’t give a damn if I die or not I feel like shit. This whole world is fucking me over. I had a very triggering dream last night. I dreamt that someone was killing me and it was my ex, I saw him in my sleep I heard his voice again and its not right damn it I am over him but why do I dream of him…I heard him say “now..Kill her..she doesn’t deserve to live..and I was pushed under water hardly trying to breathe. Chris got what he wanted in the dream…He got me dead..I don’t know I will ever be okay all I can do is write how I’m feeling for freedom..I might continue later who knows..

♥ Me

What more can I say than I am a 19 year old ex addict, its been 14 months and I haven’t done anything illegal since then…in knowing that it has also been 14 months since I seen my exs face. Not that I don’t miss him don’t get me wrong if he wasn’t such an ass and stuck on his self maybe and I mean maybe I would have considered getting back with him.

April is a hard month for me three things hapend to me that I couldn’t prevent. My break up with Chris, my rape, and the biggest depression spill I have ever had. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me, the meds help but I don’t want to keep taking them forever.

Again it seems like when I write this I am ranting about my problems and struggles, I want to be happy I want nothing else better than that..sometimes I wonder if I am really supposed to be happy…two more days until the year anniversary I’m not looking forward to it, something in me wants me to write Chris a myspace message and tell him how I really feel..If I do I’ll tell you what I wrote, if not I’ll still say what I want to say.

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